The Best of Late Nite Jokes
Edited by NewsMax.com
Wednesday Night, August 22
Leno
Rerun
Letterman
There is a tri-state area dog food recall. The tainted dog food will be rounded up and fed to Michael Vick.
Michael Vick pled guilty to dog fighting charges, and he may do jail time. And they say this guy went through more dogs than Bill Clinton.
The Falcons, Vick’s team, is still waiting to see if Vick violated the NFL personal conduct policy. And I was stunned. I said to myself, "The NFL has a personal conduct policy?”
Here’s news: A 90-year-old man has become a father. I’m lucky at my age if I can get the cap off the Viagra.
Conan
Rerun
Ferguson
Not such a great day for Brazil. Vampire bat attacks on cattle have reached a record high. Cows are being attacked by vampires. I think we know where Bob Barker went for retirement.
Not such a great day for Beyonce. Apparently a crowd at a Toronto concert got a look at Beyonce’s boobies. Beyonce jumped off some stairs just as a gust of wind blew her dress up. Or as I call it — perfect storm.
There’s a new study that comes out today. It says breaking up isn’t hard to do. You should always consider where you get relationship advice from. Should you be getting relationship advice from scientists? Scientists are pasty, pear-shaped mouse torturers . . . what do they know about relationships?
Kimmel
Rerun
Letterman
It is so rainy here in New York City, Michael Vick didn’t need a pool to drown dogs.
The dog fighting charge may put an end to his career. As you know, the same thing happened to Rosie O’Donnell.
He faces a year and a half in prison. But I was thinking, "Shouldn’t that be a year and a half times seven?"
Here’s a great story: A couple was waiting in line at a Taco Bell and they were having sex in their van. When I heard about the couple getting arrested, I thought, "Oh for the love of God, Britney please get some help."
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Michael Vick Excuses
10. "House came with a dogfighting pit, and it seemed like a shame to waste it"
9. "Wanted to distract the public from crooked NBA referees and cheating baseball players"
8. "Judgment was impaired by playing with lead-based Chinese toys"
7. "I was training the dogs to ... uhhhhhh ... get Osama"
6. "Always wanted to be quarterback for a prison team, like in 'The Longest Yard'"
5. "Steroids made me all crazy"
4. "Eddie Brill told me I needed something big to close on"
3. "Oh like you've never run an illegal dogfighting ring"
2. "Thought I could get out of it by buying Kobe Bryant's wife a diamond"
1. "Fights weren't worse than what you see on 'The View'" |
Ferguson
The race for the White House is really heating up. Hillary Clinton made a very important speech today. She said that she favors early withdrawal. And she wants the troops out of Iraq.
Larry King is going to be the guest star on the season finale of "The Closer.” They say he’s playing the bumbling buffoon with severe memory loss. It’s the role he was born to play, I say!
It’s a great day for America — the space shuttle Endeavor landed safely. Well done, you guys. They had to land a day early . . . because of Hurricane Dean, and of course, because they wanted to see the finale of "America’s Got Talent.”
Scientists have said they may have figured out a way to travel through time. For years now I’ve known of a potion that can let you travel through time — it’s called tequila.
Kimmel
Rerun
Monday Night, August 20
Leno
Rerun
Letterman
Did you see the Democratic debates? The loser of the debate was taken out back and drowned by Michael Vick.
Karl Rove has resigned. He said he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family.
Jenna Bush is getting married. First, the guy has to be confirmed by Congress.
It’s going to be an expensive wedding. The $3 billion contract has gone to Halliburton.
Letterman's Top Ten
Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Into The Bush Family
10. Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon
9. You'll inherit President Bush's extensive collection of Chuck Norris memorabilia
8. It's a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar
7. Might see Cheney shoot an old guy — still a reference, folks
6. Learning from Grandma Barbara how to spit chaw
5. Every Wednesday is Taco Night
4. What could be more fascinating than learning what makes Jeb tick?
3. If half the family hates you, you still have better approval rating that George Bush
2. W. can lend you the "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up in the bedroom
1. Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family |
Conan
Rerun
Ferguson
Not such a great day for the filming industry. Filming on Tom Cruise’s new movie stopped after 11 people had been injured. They tripped over a tiny object . . . Tom Cruise.
Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie career. He said he’s not getting the movie roles that he wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued a response and said, "It is our job to stop people from making bombs.”
I went home to Glasgow over the weekend. Glasgow has had a terrible reputation. About 20 years ago though, the crime rate in Glasgow started to go down. And it’s gone down ever since. It was around the time I left.
Kimmel
Rerun
Friday Night, August 17
Leno
Rerun
Letterman
Rerun
Conan
Rerun
Ferguson
Karl Rove stepped down this week. He said he wants to spend more time with his loved ones. I think I speak for everyone when I say, Karl Rove has loved ones?
I think he’s leaving now so he has plenty of time to steal Christmas.
"The invasion” movie comes out this weekend. It’s a remake of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers," a classic science fiction movie. In the 1950s movies, all the aliens would come down with their powerful weapons and threaten the American way of life. Of course it was all a metaphor for communism, because everyone at that time was scared of the Soviets. We thought the Russians were drunk on power. Turns out they were just drunk.
Kimmel
Rerun
Thursday Night, August 16
Leno
Rerun
Letterman
Rerun
Conan
Rerun
Ferguson
It’s a great day for Russia. They’re giving everyone a day off next month to procreate. They want more citizens. Apparently they’re running out of Russians.
I wish I could have a day off to procreate. I could have sex and still have 23 hours and 58 minutes to do whatever I feel like!
Today is a very special day in the world of show business. It’s the Material Girl’s birthday. She turns 49 today. That’s right — Elton John, 49 today.
Madonna gives millions to charity, done lots of benefits, given a lot of money away . . . her greatest gift, of course, to mankind — she’s promised never to do another movie.
Kimmel
Rerun
|
