Coulter told Human Events: "Apparently, USA Today doesn't like my 'tone,' humor, sarcasm, etc. etc., which raises the intriguing question of why they hired me to write for them in the first place. Perhaps they thought they were getting Catherine Coulter."

Coulter was hired in a sort of package deal, with leftist hatemonger and fantasy filmmaker Michael Moore offering bile from the Republican convention next month.

"My guess is they will 'get' his humor," said Coulter.

She published the column, "Put the Speakers in a Cage," on her Web site, as did FrontPage and Human Events.

Highlights, with clueless Useless Today's upper-case complaints and confusion:

"Here at the Spawn of Satan convention in Boston, conservatives are deploying a series of covert signals to identify one another, much like gay men do. My allies are the ones wearing crosses or American flags. The people sporting shirts emblazoned with the "F-word" are my opponents. Also, as always, the pretty girls and cops are on my side, most of them barely able to conceal their eye-rolling."

USA Today: EYE-ROLLING? AT WHAT?

"Democrats are constantly suing and slandering police as violent, fascist racists - with the exception of Boston's police, who'll be lauded as national heroes right up until the Democrats pack up and leave town on Friday, whereupon they'll revert to their natural state of being fascist, racist pigs."

USA Today: WHAT DEMOCRATS SUE THE POLICE? BUT THEY WON'T ACTUALLY REVERT TO BEING FASCIST PIGS, DON'T YOU MEAN THE DEMS WILL THINK THEY HAVE REVERTED TO BEING FASCIST PIGS?

"A speaker at the Democratic National Convention this year, Al Sharpton, accused white police officers of raping and defacing Tawana Brawley in 1987, lunatic charges that eventually led to a defamation lawsuit against Sharpton and even more eventually, to Sharpton paying a jury award to the defamed plaintiff Steve Pagones. So it’s a real mystery why cops wouldn’t like Democrats."

USA Today: IS THAT LAST SENTENCE SARCASTIC? IF SO, YOU SURE LOST ME.

"As for the pretty girls, I can only guess that it's because liberal boys never try to make a move on you without the UN Security Council's approval. Plus, it’s no fun riding around in those dinky little hybrid cars. My pretty-girl allies stick out like a sore thumb amongst the corn-fed, no make-up, natural fiber, no-bra needing, sandal-wearing, hirsute, somewhat fragrant hippie chick pie wagons they call 'women' at the Democratic National Convention."

USA Today: NOT FUNNY, I DON'T GET IT.

"I’d say I love all these Democrats in Boston so much I want them to go home, but I don’t. I want Americans to get a good long look at the French Party and keep the 7-11 challenge in mind."

USA Today: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "THE FRENCH PARTY"? I DON'T GET IT.

Coulter told Alan Colmes during FNC's "Hannity & Colmes" show: "They did not want columns by Ann Coulter; they wanted a byline by Ann Coulter."

Noting that this happens to conservative writers "all the time," she said, "They want to publish the conservatives in the abstract," but "what they really want is someone who thinks more like them."

Human Events reported that USA Today has replaced Coulter with Jonah Goldberg of National Review but still plans to publish Moore's venom during the GOP convention.

Editor's note: