Time to dust off Henny Youngman's one-liner clich้: "How's your wife?" "Compared with what?" Oust congressional Republicans on Nov. 7? You'd like the alternative better?
Apply the Henny Youngman test to these political choices facing voters in next Tuesday's elections:
You don't like the war in Iraq? Who in his right mind does? What alternative is there that's better? The Democrats' retreat and defeat?
You don't feel entirely safe under Republicans in this War on Terror? Would there have been even fewer terrorist attacks on the homeland since 9/11 under Democrats than there have been under Republicans?
You think it's terrible that American troops are fighting fanatical Islamists in foreign places you can't even pronounce? Would you rather the war was being fought in cities you are familiar with, such as the one you live in?
You think the terrorists are out to get us because of something George W. Bush said about them and we ought to start being nice to them? What did Bush or Bill Clinton, for that matter do to incite 9/11?
You think Bush has made mistakes in conducting the war? Would you rather have had Hillary Clinton as commander in chief of the United States Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine Corps and Coast Guard?
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You think it would be an act of enlightened patriotism to turn over control of Congress to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid? Then do you think the terrorists and their allies are acting in our best interests by doing all they can to bring that about?
You don't like the idea of listening in on international phone calls from known terrorists? Does their privacy mean more to you than your family's safety?
You don't like the nuclear danger presented to the Free World by the likes of that little guy in Iran and the other little guy in North Korea? Then how come they and their dictator buddies all over the world are rooting like crazy for Democrats to win in November?
You think too many illegal immigrants are making their way into the United States under the Republicans, even though more came in when Democrats were in power during all those earlier years? Do you think the solution lies in the Democrats' alternative mass amnesty for current illegals and an open border to endless others?
You get sore at Republicans when you see your taxes going to subsidize illegal aliens in your home town? Then do you really think Democrats in control of Congress would make it tougher for them?
You think the economy under Republicans is going to hell in a market basket? Would it be better if Democrats were in position in Congress to increase your taxes in order to spend more of your income on someone else?
Does it offend you that under Republicans inflation is virtually nil, the price of gas at the pumps has dropped a dollar a gallon, the value of stocks (owned by most Americans, directly or indirectly) has never in history been higher, more jobs are being created each month than ever before, the unemployment rate is lower than it has ever been, people from all over the world are beating on America's door to be let in so they can earn a better living? Would you feel better off under another recession like the Democrats left behind the last time they were in power?
You think Republicans are spending too much of your hard-earned tax dollars on pork-barrel projects? Then how about Democrats, whose only answer for every problem is to throw even more of your tax dollars at it?
You think taxes are taking away too much of your income now? Then how might it feel when Democrats, in order to find more money to waste, roll back the tax cuts the Republicans made?
You think it's bad that the Republican president isn't ashamed to say he believes in the Almighty? Maybe you'd feel better if Democrats and their secularist allies got rid of all vestiges of religious faith in America?
You don't like what that nasty Republican from Florida did with congressional page boys? Will swapping your GOP congressman for a Democratic opponent make it any safer for young boys all across America?
You think Democrats don't have a sorry record when it comes to sex scandals, especially with young interns? Then does the phrase "that depends on what the meaning of is is" ring a bell with you?
You really think Republicans as a party have a worse history of disrespect for family values? Then ask yourself if you'd rather have Laura Bush or Hillary Clinton read your child a bedtime story.
You get boiling mad when you see judges tearing up or rewriting the Constitution to suit their own leftist agendas? Then do you honestly believe Democrats in control of the Senate will confirm any other kind of Supreme Court justice?
You think Denny Hastert is a little too old-fashioned and slow on his feet to stay on as speaker of the House of Representatives? Then maybe you'll love watching Nancy Pelosi as his replacement do her San Francisco leftist shuffle.
You don't think a doctor like Bill Frist of Tennessee, who goes around the world performing heart surgery on destitute people, is much of a role model as Republican majority leader of the Senate? Then perhaps you'd prefer Nevada's own Democrat Harry Reid, who does business back home with a Las Vegas mob attorney when not throwing up roadblocks as minority leader in the Senate.
You tired of seeing the same, old Republican faces in the chairmanships of the House and Senate? Then how would you feel about replacing them with these Democratic poster boys and girl?
In the House: Bobby Byrd of West Virginia (Appropriations), Barney Frank of Massachusetts (Financial Services), Henry Waxman of California (Government Reform), John Conyers of Michigan (Judiciary), Charlie Rangel of New York (Ways and Means) and Jane Harman of California (Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence).
In the Senate: Carl Levin of Michigan (Armed Services), Joe Biden of Delaware (Foreign Relations), Teddy Kennedy of Massachusetts (Health, Education, Labor and Pensions), Pat Leahy of Vermont (Judiciary), John Kerry of Massachusetts (Small Business and Entrepreneurship) and John D. Rockefeller IV of West Virginia (Select Committee on Intelligence).
You think Karl Rove is some sort of sinister Svengali manipulating the Republican Party? Then maybe the Democratic National Committee chairman, Howard Dean, with or without scream, would be more to your liking?
Those are the kinds of choices voters will make once they stop reading the opinion polls and enter the real-life polls on election day.
No, Republicans in office have not done everything just the way everyone might like. But they haven't done everything wrong, either.
Do Americans really want to cast a vote for the crowd who got this country into such a mess between 1992 and 2000? That's the big question they face.
If they vote for Democratic candidates on Nov. 7, they might soon have reason to remember another Henny Youngman one-liner:
A patient complains to the doctor, "It hurts me every time I do this." The doctor replies, "Then don't do that."
John L. Perry, a prize-winning newspaper editor and writer who served on White House staffs of two presidents, is a regular columnist for NewsMax.com.
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