James Hirsen
Tuesday, March 2, 2004

We might soon see if the same detractors who have been subjecting every frame of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” to unprecedented scrutiny will do the same for Dan Brown’s “The Da Vinci Code.”

Brown’s best-selling novel is headed to the big screen. Former Mayberry resident Ron Howard is listed on Internet Movie Database as director, and Russell Crowe and Kate Beckinsale are being talked about as possible stars.

Brown’s book outlines a conspiracy by the Roman Catholic Church to cover up a marriage between Jesus and Mary Magdalene. On the book’s first page, the author claims, “All descriptions of artwork, architecture, documents, and secret rituals in this novel are accurate.”

But Harvard professor Karen King, one of the leading experts on all matters Magdalene, disagrees. She indicates there is no evidence that Christ was married to anyone.

And Cardinal Francis George tells Catholic New World that the book is “a work of bizarre religious imaginings” based on “a facade of scholarship.”

Details such as these didn’t stop NBC from airing an embarrassing prime-time special on the subject.

The Left Coast Report doesn’t expect the mainstream press, alphabet networks or “progressive” scholars to admit that “The Da Vinci Code” is really a load.

Zeffirelli and Costner, Passionate Opposites

Franco Zeffirelli is the latest guy to join a peanut gallery of gripers trying to rain on Mel Gibson’s artistic and box-office parade.

In commenting on “The Passion of the Christ” in Milan’s daily newspaper Corriere della Sera, Zeffirelli writes, “… what conclusion can one reach, in particular young people, other than that his blood was shed because of the Jews?”

The Italian director claims that “rather than the divine message of Christ, what pushed Gibson into this difficult project was with strips of flesh, his own torments and blood.”

But in the midst of all his carping, Zeffirelli also seems to want to ride the “Passion” wave. He reminds readers that he tackled the territory before Mel, with his 1977 film “Jesus of Nazareth.”

Zeffirelli indicates that his film sought to “render justice to Jews and unburden them of the accusation of Diocide.” Kevin Costner has a different take. The actor/director tells Access Hollywood, “We shouldn’t be attacking a filmmaker like Mel Gibson who, number one, is an honorable filmmaker . . . and probably questioned himself more than anybody even knows. So, like leave him alone.”

The Left Coast Report thinks Zeffirelli might be suffering from genius envy.

Cameron Diaz Helps Senior Pachyderm

Cameron Diaz is in love, and not just with Justin Timberlake.

She reportedly sleeps with a picture of her other love: an African elephant named Flora.

Diaz has banded together with Hilary Duff, Christina Applegate, Paris Hilton and Shannon Elizabeth to help Flora retire in style.

It seems the elephant has been living temporarily in the Miami Zoo. Previously she was gainfully employed in a traveling circus.

The bevy of celebs has raised $70,000 but plans to raise $200,000 so that Flora can laze about in luxury at the Elephant Sanctuary in Hohenwald, Tenn.

Do you suppose Cameron & Co. are aware which political party Flora’s family symbolizes?

The Left Coast Report suspects if they find out they’ll be switching to finding lavish retirement homes for jackasses.

Ashton Kutcher Gets ‘Punk’d’ by Brits

One of Ashton Kutcher’s gigs involves playing practical jokes on other celebrities.

But recently some U.K. officials got the better of the “Punk’d” star.

The San Francisco Chronicle reports that, when Kutcher arrived at London’s Heathrow Airport, he was taken aside by some customs officials who briskly informed him he’d been banned from the country.

Apparently, the actor was appalled when told he would have to return to Los Angeles on the next flight.

Minutes later some straight-faced Brits let him in on the joke. Kutcher said that he “really believed it at first” and couldn’t understand why he “wasn't welcome in the U.K.”

He added, “I suppose I ask for this by playing pranks on other famous people.”

The Left Coast Report says it’s a good thing Demi Moore wasn’t there or she might have thought he was being taken into foster care.

Lost in Hypocrisy

With all the pressure in Hollywood to conform to P.C. expectations, the media have virtually ignored one cinematic controversy.

Asian Mediawatch has been trying to get traction in its campaign against the film “Lost in Translation” for its stereotypical portrayals. The group had even urged members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to vote against the film.

Asian Mediawatch told the Associated Press that the film “mocks the Japanese people.”

In the movie, Bill Murray plays an aging actor in Japan to film a whiskey commercial. He makes a connection with a bored young wife (played by Scarlett Johansson), and together they embark upon a journey through Tokyo’s nightlife and pop culture.

In one scene, a Japanese prostitute visits Murray’s character’s hotel room, lifts up her skirt and demands, “Lip [rip] my stocking!”

Director Sofia Coppola told the Independent the criticism “surprised” her. “I can see why people might think that, but I know I’m not racist. I think if everything’s based on truth, you can make fun, have a little laugh, but also be respectful of a culture. I just love Tokyo, and I’m not mean-spirited.”

Coppola, who won an Oscar on Sunday night for her screenplay, explained, “Even on our daily call sheets, they would mix up the R’s and the L’s - all that was from experience, it’s not made up. I guess someone has misunderstood my intentions. It bugs me, because I know I’m not racist. I think that everything you do, people could be offended by - unless you're just trying to be nice about everyone.”

The Left Coast Report believes that Sofia has just been forced to translate the meaning of political correctness.

Tooning Conservative

“This Just In.”

Actually, that’s the title of a new animated comedy series that will debut Sunday, March 14 on Spike TV. Believe it or not, the thing leans to the right.

The show is the creation of producer and standup comedian Steve Marmel and Spike exec Kevin Kay.

The series follows a journalist and his friends as they explore news, politics and pop culture from a distinctly conservative perspective. Guess there are some conservative professionals brave enough to invade the enemy territory of Tinseltown after all.

To drive this point home, the lead character of the show, reporter Brian Newport, is so enamored with the Bush administration he sees Condoleezza Rice as a sex symbol.

The Left Coast Report hopes that folks left and right of center toon into the show.

Oscar Whacks

This year’s 76th Annual Academy Awards had its share of mean memorable lefty moments.

Host Billy Crystal joked that for the first time, the show was being simulcast in Aramaic, a jab in the mouth of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ.”

Crystal couldn’t resist taking a few pokes at the Republicans, too.

He said that the first time he hosted the Oscars 13 years ago things were different in that “Bush was president, the economy was tanking, and we’d just finished a war with Iraq.”

The economy is tanking? With booming productivity, rising factory orders and construction and salaries, minimal inflation and unemployment at a below-average 5.6 percent and still dropping?

Then Crystal echoed the DNC’s latest attack on President Bush. “The academy and the Oscars have been very gracious to me. They let me come and go the past few years. It’s kind of like being in the Texas National Guard.”

Director Errol Morris was awarded the Oscar for documentary feature for “The Fog of War,” a film about Robert McNamara, U.S. defense secretary during the Vietnam War. Morris used his spotlight moment to take an oblique shot at the Bush administration. He said, “Forty years ago, this country went down a rabbit hole in Vietnam - millions died.”

He added, “I fear we're going down the rabbit hole once again.” Celebrity libs clapped in empty-headed unison.

Sean Penn, who took the trophy for best actor, used a slice of his acceptance speech to hurl a silly out-of-place mention of the war in Iraq.

“If there’s one thing that actors know, apart from the fact that there were no WMDs,” Penn said, “is that there are no bests in acting.”

The Left Coast Report knows Tinseltown can’t help spouting off. It was born with a liberal pacifier in its mouth.

The Left Coast Report is put together by James L. Hirsen and the staff of NewsMax.

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