David C. Stolinsky, M.D.
Friday, Feb. 28, 2003

Tonight the CBS Network is honored to broadcast an interview with a world leader – one whose name has been on the front pages of newspapers throughout our country and elsewhere.

While this man is controversial in some circles, he remains beloved in his own nation, where well over 99 percent of voters approve his policies, and where massive public demonstrations attest to his popularity.

With war clouds on the horizon, we feel it is important to provide a forum for his views to be expressed. After all, if the cycle of violence is to be ended, we must try to see things from his point of view.

Our award-winning reporter, Edward R. Murrow, was privileged to be granted an exclusive interview with German Chancellor and leader Adolf Hitler.

The broadcast originates from his headquarters in Berlin, and the translation is being furnished through the courtesy of Minister of Propaganda and Public Enlightenment Dr. Goebbels, who has kindly agreed to revise it for accuracy.

And now we go to the studios of the Greater German Network in Berlin.

CBS: Thank you, Herr Chancellor, for agreeing to speak with us today. I’m sure our audience is grateful for the opportunity to share your thoughts. (Shakes hands, embracing Hitler’s hand in both of his.)

Adolf Hitler: It’s my pleasure, Ed, and hello to your listeners.

CBS: Herr Chancellor, there is talk of war everywhere. Do you think war can be avoided?

A.H.: Ed, I’m sure war can be avoided, if only the people can be heard. They don’t want war, nor do I. There are peace demonstrations in many countries. But the war drums are being beaten incessantly by the big-money interests. Wall Street wants war, and the Jewish lobby and their Amen Corner want war, but the common people don’t.

CBS: Herr Chancellor, some people say that the problem started when you scrapped the treaty that ended the last war.

A.H.: That’s nonsense, Ed. The treaty had many unfair provisions, but we tried many times to straighten things out with the League of Nations. Our opponents in the last war just wouldn’t be reasonable, but that’s their fault, not ours. After all, they lost.

CBS: With respect, Herr Chancellor, some people believe your nation lost that war.

A.H.: People can believe what they like. I’m a tolerant man.

CBS: Herr Chancellor, it has been claimed that you enlarged your armed forces and built weapons that went beyond the restrictions agreed on at the end of the last war.

A.H.: Ed, that’s a complete fabrication. I’m certain that if impartial inspectors checked things out, they would find that our weapons are well within the agreed limits. All we want is a fair investigation. Where, exactly, are these forbidden weapons, I ask you?

CBS: But, Herr Chancellor, would you allow inspectors free access to all sites?

A.H.: With good will on both sides, I’m sure that could be worked out. All I ask is that we sit down and talk. Surely we can dialogue, can’t we?

CBS: Please tell us, Herr Chancellor, what we are to make of the allegations that you used poison gas on your own minorities.

A.H.: Many people have a problem with gas, but it’s really not for polite conversation. I think everyone can agree on that.

CBS: Herr Chancellor, there are rumors that your secret police have used, shall we say, excessive methods on political dissidents and minority groups. For example, there are allegations that a concentration camp has been built at Dachau.

A.H.: That’s ridiculous, Ed. Everyone knows that Dachau is a delightful little suburb of Munich, a city where I spent many happy days with my old comrades, drinking beer and discussing events of the day. And besides, America’s own record on minority rights isn’t, shall we say, lily white (laughs politely).

CBS: That’s regrettably true, Herr Chancellor. Who are we to criticize?

A.H.: There, you see? With a tolerant attitude, can’t we all just get along?

CBS: Herr Chancellor, your neighbors complain that you have designs on their territory. What can you say to calm their fears?

A.H.: No one has anything to fear from us. With a few minor border adjustments, the disputed territory can be returned to its rightful owners. That’s only fair, after all. Don’t you agree, Ed?

CBS: Certainly that sounds reasonable, Herr Chancellor. But what if your neighbors remain apprehensive?

A.H.: Ed, you can see how this interview has gone far to dispel those needless fears. But I will go even farther. I will agree to debate the whole situation with your president, Herr Roosevelt. Then the world will judge who is telling the truth.

CBS: But Herr Chancellor, isn’t it true that you claimed Roosevelt’s paralysis was caused not by polio but by syphilis?

A.H.: I never said that; I was misquoted by your hostile press. Besides, I offered to debate him, not sleep with him (coughs). And I advocate safe debating.

CBS: Herr Chancellor, we want to thank you again for your gracious consent to this interview. Do you have a final word for our audience?

A.H.: Yes, I do, Ed. Let’s give peace a chance. After all, war is not the answer.

CBS: Thank you, Herr Chancellor. I’m sure your words have reassured the world. We return you now to our New York studios.

Author’s note: This interview not only didn’t happen, it couldn’t have happened. Edward R. Murrow, the leading reporter of his day, would never have considered it for a moment.

He reported from London during the worst days of the Blitz. His vivid descriptions of bombs falling and thousands of civilians dying were classics, but he never gave the impression that the war wasn’t worth fighting, or gave any cause to doubt which side he was on.

He never – not once – confused objectivity with amorality.

Murrow’s colleague, William L. Shirer, reported from Berlin before America entered the war. His accounts had a historian’s accuracy, but he never allowed anyone to confuse enemy propaganda with his own views.

He knew his duty was to report what he saw, and never – not once – to act as a sewer through which enemy officials could flush their propaganda onto his audience.

Their employers regarded themselves as engaged in the news business, not show business. They never – not once – gave anyone cause to doubt that they were American networks and news agencies.

They never allowed their personal opinions of the current administration to color their reporting or affect their objectivity, especially when America was confronted by enemies abroad.

And the thought of our president lowering himself to debate a bloodstained tyrant and notorious liar would have evoked nausea, not interest. Indeed, times have changed.

Interviewing a vampire may improve your ratings. But be careful not to get bitten.

Dr. Stolinsky writes on political and social issues. He may be contacted at dcstolinsky@prodigy.net.

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