Tom Marsland
Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003

Want to be popular with the nincompoop left & lose money too? Make 'R'-rated films!

I'll begin with a genuine compliment: 2002 was an astounding year for Hollywood. Many marvelous big-budget productions, with, of course, the requisite few bad eggs ... hey, it is the Left Coast at work, you know! When The People's Choice Awards' Best Movie winner was recently announced, it resulted in a rare tie: "Spiderman" and "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers."

The extremely pristine (by Hollywood standards) comic book flick "Spiderman" cost $130 million to produce and cleared a profit in less than four days at the box office. No longer in first-run theaters, it's already the No. 5 all-time grosser, with over $400 million banked.

"Spiderman" is action-packed, entertaining, sports little foul language, and is even cleanly romantic (yes, romance is still possible without sex scenes), and was NOT rated 'R'. Frankly, I didn't think it even deserved the PG-13 it received . It was simply a terrific movie!

This year's follow-up to last year's "Lord of the Rings" offering, "The Two Towers," is perhaps the finest sequel of all time. With morality lessons and a clear distinction between good and evil, it demonstrates all that is best in godly virtue – though the book's author, JRR Tolkien, always denied he subtly wrote God into the storyline.

At a production cost of $94 million, it cleared a profit in less than five days. Still grossing big bucks at the theaters, "The Two Towers" has already earned $300 million. Virtually no swearing, no inappropriate sexual situations, and NO 'R' rating either! A PG-13 may be appropriate for intensity of topic regarding dramatic, but contextual, battle scenes!

I'll honorably mention another People's Choice nominee and one of my faves. First a minor test: Heard of Nia Vardalos or John Corbett before? Don't be embarrassed, I don't think director Joel Zwick or producer Tom Hanks had either. They are the relative unknowns who play the lead roles in this wonderful film.

Now the whole world knows these proper nouns ... and Zwick's and Hank's bankers are sending them flowers and chocolates ... and account statements showing a 5,000 percent R.O.I. ('Hollywood' for return on investment)!

Yep, it's the decade's biggest surprise hit, "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Produced on the paltry 'beer budget' of $5 million, it's an essentially moral movie that is on a collision course with destiny as it nears an astounding quarter billion dollars in profit! Oh, did I mention it did NOT stink from an 'R' rating either?

But alas, Hollywood appears dimorphic. Still cranking out 'R'-rated and worse films, while fully three-fourths of the movies that delivered big audiences, and therefore big profits, this past year were fundamentally 'moral'.

Now settle down, please. I am not talking moral by a flawless, biblical standard. I mean that when Hollywood's filthy taint ('R'-rated or worse) was even slightly MIA (missing in action) ... well, film profits headed north (the right direction).

A reward from who knows? Maybe the God that JRR Tolkien honored in script but wouldn't admit to? It doesn't really matter, though, because they (Hollywood's elite) are obviously too stupid to see it ... and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

In addition to "The Two Towers" and "Spiderman," here's an abbreviated listing of other big winners, all 'G', 'PG' or 'PG-13':

Star Wars: Episode II – The Attack of the Clones
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Signs
Ice Age
Scooby Doo
Santa Claus 2
Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams
We Were Soldiers
Barbershop
A Walk to Remember
Sweet Home Alabama
Lilo and Stitch

Now for an abridged listing of big losers, almost none better than 'R'-rated:

Fear Dot Com
Femme Fatale
Death to Smoochy
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever
Bowling for Columbine
Hart's War
Frida
Blood Work
Queen of the Damned
Collateral Damage
Windtalkers
Analyze That
I Spy

There are notable exceptions in both camps, but this certainly makes the point. The former list and its unmentioned brethren represent billions in profits, the latter and its ill-represented kin represent billions in losses. You would think they would think this through, but NO!

When this year's Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences nominees are announced at 5:30 a.m. PST on Feb. 11, 2003, and when Oscar's new owners are presented at the Kodak Theatre on March 23, televised on ABC beginning at 5:30 p.m. PST, it will surely be the biggest bunch of financial idiots ever to dominate any industry. Management lunacy, pure and simple. Nearly 'Enron-esque'.

I wish I could authoritatively promise you that Hollywood is not conspiring against your family. I cannot. What I can tell you with authority is this:

If you want to get rich in the land of fruits and nuts and be unpopular with Hollywood's left, make a moral, positive-values movie with socially redeeming qualities.

But if you want to be popular with that same nincompoop left and lose money to boot – Make 'R'-rated films!

Now please stay seated while I roll the credits ...

Tom Marsland is the talk show host of "Tom's Place," 4-6 p.m. CST on the nationwide Salem Radio Network's AM 980 KKMS in Minneapolis, Minn. A noted speaker, Tom writes cultural, political and religious commentary for the Assist News Service, the Minnesota Christian Chronicle and others.

E-mail Tom at tom@kkms.com.

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