James Hirsen
Sunday, March 10, 2002

The New York Times says that Sandra Bernhard "isn't quite as dangerous nowadays" because the mother of a 3-year-old has matured. Bernhard recently told Lloyd Grove of the Washington Post that since the terror attacks of Sept. 11, the job President George W. Bush has been doing is "pretty dismal and pretty scary."

But the brash comedienne wasn't quite finished condemning the administration. She went on to say that "Bush is amateurish and self-serving, and frankly it's disgusting."

Bernhard even brought Enron into the mix, speculating that "everybody is covering their [posteriors] with the Enron scandal."

Like so many others who play the "let's revise history" game, Bernhard added that it "was very convenient that Sept. 11 came along to deflect the fact that they should never have been in the White House in the first place."

The Left Coast Report suspects that, with statements like these, Sandra Bernhard may end up in a therapy group with Anne Heche.

Kryptonite Lawsuit

A lawsuit was recently filed in the U.S. District Court in Manhattan. But we're not likely to see a typical run-of-the-mill legal battle.

No, this case is unique because it involves the sole weakness of America's beloved comic book hero, Superman.

Apparently the Wella Corporation is marketing a hair gel that it has labeled Kryptonite, in keeping with its green color.

D.C. Comics contends that the emerald-shaded hair gel infringes on the name created to describe an element of radiation from Superman's home planet, Krypton. When exposed to the substance, Kryptonite, the usually invincible superhero is suddenly capable of being harmed.

The lawsuit papers explain that D.C. Comics first used the word Kryptonite in a 1943 "Superman" radio episode. The substance gained fame in a later 1945 episode when a character, Scarlet Widow, gave chunks of Kryptonite to other villains so they could use it against Superman.

The Left Coast Report wonders if it's possible that Lex Luthor has taken over the Wella Corporation.

Clash in Parliament

A punk rock singer told the British Parliament that what the House of Commons needs is more legislators that look like him.

The Associated Press reports that Billy Bragg of the punk band The Clash had some comments to offer about the clothing worn by the British legislators. He testified that "I look at you here in your suits and ties and me sitting here in my Clash T-shirt, and I don't really see myself represented here." Kevin Brennan, a 44-year-old Welsh legislator, pointed out that he and the 44-year-old Bragg are from the same generation and both grew up on punk rock.

Bragg told the legislators, "You should see my audience. They are all the same age as us, and they don't look like you, mate."

Bragg is lobbying for a legislative body that includes ordinary people who lack political connections.

The Left Coast Report thinks that the way Europe is going, it won't be long before "ordinary" punk rock singers of leftist songs fill all of the legislative bodies on the other side of the Atlantic.

Alec Balderdash

Remember in December of 1998 when actor Alec Baldwin appeared on Conan O'Brien's "Late Night" show and urged viewers to commit murder?

Baldwin said, "I'm thinking to myself, if we were in other countries, we would all, right now, all of us together, all of us together would go down to Washington and we would stone Henry Hyde to death."

Well, it seems the actor's talking crazy again. As reported in the Tallahassee Democrat, Baldwin told a Florida A&M University gathering that the 2000 post-election controversy "did as much damage to the pillars of democracy as terrorists did to the pillars of commerce in New York City."

At another event, Baldwin accused the White House and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld of wanting the war in Afghanistan to continue for political benefit.

Fresh from the trip to Florida, Baldwin repeated his claims at a New York luncheon with Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton.

After Hillary responded to some questions, Baldwin decided to ask a question of his own, according to the New York Post.

"Senator, I want to ask you a question about the other catastrophic event that happened in this country before 9-11 – which was the election of 2000."

Hillary didn't answer but instead changed the subject.

When the actor was in Florida, Gov. Jeb Bush, the president's brother, joked about Baldwin being in his state, saying, "He had promised he would leave the country if my brother got elected. Well, he's back, I guess."

Baldwin responded, "I never made that statement, but you can tell Gov. Bush to rest assured that I'm not going to leave the country because we have to get him out of office, and we have to get his brother out of office in 2004."

The Left Coast Report speculates that Alec Baldwin may be auditioning for the starring role in the sequel to "Big Fat Liar."

Foul Mouth Zone

In 1978, a case involving a radio station's broadcast of George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words" monologue moved through the courts. The monologue featured the seven words no one was allowed to say on the air.

The Supreme Court upheld a fine against the station's owner for broadcasting Carlin's monologue in the mid-afternoon. Over the years, the limits of what can be said on television have been slowly expanding. Now a TV movie about basketball coach Bobby Knight, called "A Season on the Brink," has moved the boundaries even further.

Actor Brian Dennehy played the former Indiana University coach with the colorful speech patterns. This was the first time such language aired on an advertiser-supported broadcast or cable network, and the dubious distinction went to ESPN.

The film apparently force-fed any unsuspecting viewers with a generous helping of vulgar language. In a move to assist the discerning parent, ESPN broadcast the movie intact but simultaneously aired a cleaned-up version on ESPN2.

Though it is a violation of federal law to broadcast obscene programming, the FCC can only investigate the content of a program in response to viewer complaints.

The Left Coast Report encourages parents to take back the "family hour." A lot of kids watch ESPN to see their favorite sports heroes, and unless ESPN gets an earful about its programming choice, "Dennis Rodman Uncut" will appear on the small screen real soon.

Clintonized Sunday Mornings

USA Today reports that Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts are likely to exit from the Sunday public affairs program "This Week" in the fall.

Former Clinton White House aide George Stephanopoulos and former NBC White House correspondent Claire Shipman are reportedly in line to be the Sam and Cokie replacements.

One option being considered for the program is the use of a dual locale approach, with Stephanopoulos in New York and Shipman in Washington.

The Left Coast Report believes that if ABC pairs up the former Clinton aide with the former Clinton correspondent, it will have the most Clintonized Sunday show yet to air.

Fisher No Go

Amy Fisher had to seek permission before heading to California for her Fox Network boxing match with Tonya Harding. Unfortunately for the "Long Island Lolita," her parole officer refused to let her go.

Fisher served nearly seven years in prison and has been on parole for more than three years. With the airing date looming, Fox had to call in Paula Jones to take Fisher's place.

The television show called "Celebrity Boxing" has three-round bouts where people with somewhat familiar names are pitted against one another.

Following the Fisher/Jones match is a Partridge vs. Brady showdown. Danny Bonaduce, who played Danny on "The Partridge Family" faces Barry Williams, who played Greg on "The Brady Bunch."

A third card places rapper Vanilla Ice opposite Todd Bridges from "Diff'rent Strokes."

The Left Coast Report would like to see the show include some political figures. 15 rounds without headgear might work. Maybe former University of Oklahoma MVP quarterback J.C Watts could take on Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle.

The Left Coast Report is put together by James L. Hirsen and the staff of NewsMax.

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