Christopher Ruddy
Saturday, Dec. 28, 2002

Kim Jong-il, the Korean madman, announced today that, in an effort at reconciliation with the United States, he has renamed himself Kim Jong-clinton.

In a decree, Kim Jong-clinton also declared that all first born males herafter shall carry the name Kim Jong-bill, in honor of the 42nd president of the United States.

Kim Jong-clinton said, "I have taken this bold step on behalf of the people of Korea in an effort to build a bridge to the American people over the warmonger George Bush and his right-hand man Dick Cheney and his evil hatchet man Donald Rumsfeld."

Expressing his faith in the American people, Kim Jong-clinton said, "President Clinton showed, in his historic 1994 agreement with the Korean people, that mutual co-existence between Korea and the American people can be real."

Kim noted that in the agreement with Clinton, the U.S. not only sent billions of dollars in aid to his regime in the form of oil, but also kept his regime alive when other Stalinist regimes collapsed. Kim noted the billions in oil Clinton sent to North Korea freed up other resources so he could build nuclear weapons of mass destruction.

"At the same time, President Clinton showed the world the meaning of peace. As the revolutionary guard of the People's Republic of Korea has prepared weapons of war to use on America and to turn the occupied Korea into a sea of fire. President Clinton greatly reduced America's armed forces in every area: in the sea, in the air and on land. For this, the Korean people are grateful."

Kim also said that all first born girls born in Korea from this date forward shall be named Kim Jong-hillary.

Kim praised Hillary Clinton for her recent demand that the Bush administration engage in negotiations.

"It is through negotiations that Korea has become a great nuclear power. We want America to continue to negotiate, as Bill Clinton did, as Hillary knows is best. The record shows we are for peace, that Bill Clinton was for peace, and that George Bush is for war," Kim said to wild applause at the annual meeting of Korea's CCCP.

President Clinton was unavailable for comment. His office said he was attending a Kwanzaa celebration today.

Several aides to the former president did speak off the record and clearly blamed the Korean crisis on President Bush and his national security team.

"Since Bill Clinton left the Oval Office, any major problem is to be blamed on the sitting president. Too bad and tough luck!" one Clinton aide said with a chuckle.

Other top-level Clinton aides, also speaking anonymously, said that when the Bush administration first set foot in the White House, the Clinton team warned the Bush people that "Korea should be your number one priority."

The former Clinton aides said they emphasized Korea as a priority, but also told the Bush team that al-Qaeda "should also be a number one priority, and handling Saddam Hussein is also a number one priority."

The Clinton aides also confirmed that they offered a "secret plan" to the incoming Bush administration to deal with Korea. Needless to say, that plan was summarily rejected by the Bush administration and its national security team.

The senior Clinton staffers also said the same Bush administration officials also rejected the Clinton administration's "secret plan to deal with al-Qaeda," as well as its "secret plan to topple Saddam Hussein."

Asked why, during eight years in office, Bill Clinton had allowed the enemies of the U.S. to grow so strong – to the point that America became vulnerable to a catastrophic event like 9/11 – former Clinton adviser and CNN commentator James Carville offered the simplest explanation: "It's the economy, stupid!"

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton was also unavailable for comment; she was attending a civil rights protest in Trent Lott's hometown in Mississippi.

Her senior spokeswoman, Jean Braburner, did tell the press: "Mrs. Clinton believes the Bush administration should negotiate. Negotiate doesn't mean you are weak or naïve. It just means that other countries will respect you. It means you can buy time. Mrs. Clinton thinks the Republicans should stop exploiting her husband, Korea, Yassir Arafat and race issues for their political benefit."

Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright was unavailable for comment. She did appear briefly on the Phil Donahue show earlier this week and agreed with Donahue's conclusion.

Donahue told his audience: "You're not going to like this, but the white guys don't like the yellow guys. That's what this is all about. And the macho Texas white guy in the White House wants to do to Korea what the white guys did to Africa."

In an unusual twist, the Korea story did get the attention of Monica Lewinsky, who discussed the subject while attending the premiere of the HBO special on her life story.

"Bill Clinton was obsessed with Korea, I know it for a fact," Ms. Lewinsky said.

"Bill was also obsessed with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein," Lewinsky said, adding: "I know this personally. If you don’t believe me, get out of my face, and Linda Tripp can go to hell."